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I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Please do not offer my god a peanut. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Thank you, steal again. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

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Save me, Jeebus. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

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