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But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? Please do not offer my god a peanut.

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