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Can I use the gun? In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms. Ok, we’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go ride the bumper cars. Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!

Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.” Kif, I have mated with a woman. Inform the men. When will that be? What kind of a father would I be if I said no?

No! The cat shelter’s on to me. One hundred dollars. And remember, don’t do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to, in which case, for the love of God, don’t not do it!

Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious. The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. What kind of a father would I be if I said no?

You don’t know how to do any of those. They’re like sex, except I’m having them! And I’m his friend Jesus. We can’t compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral! For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

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We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. We don’t have a brig. Does anybody else feel jealous and aroused and worried? Calculon is gonna kill us and it’s all everybody else’s fault!

What kind of a father would I be if I said no? Why did you bring us here? Professor, make a woman out of me. Too much work. Let’s burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’?

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This story was originally published March 20, 2020 8:24 AM.

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